Running away

I want to run away. I have this strong feeling that I have to get away. Run fucking run. I want to be free. There is no freedom here as my life is dominated by my ‘mental illness’. But I could sit on a beach or in a park in another country and know I was miles from anyone I could possibly know. That would help. I think that is all the freedom I am going to get.

It’s odd, wanting something. Usually I don’t and just drift. I have been drifting for years and years. Sometimes I think “there is no point wanting anything because I’d never get it” and my feelings are choked off at the start. But I think mostly it just doesn’t occur to my brain to want things. I blame the antipsychotics. I used to be very driven and ambitious when I was a young woman.

I think what my problem is that I feel so incredibly, overwhelmingly ashamed. I am ashamed of my life and how badly I manage my ‘mental illness’. I am ashamed of how ridiculous my recent ‘episode’ has been. Honestly, I think anyone would be embarrassed. I don’t understand what is going on. Why am I acting like such a fucking tool? Why can’t I get a grip? When I play over in my mind all the people that have been so kind to me then I get this tsunami of bad (so goddamn articulate) that I can feel physically and can only get to subside by saying “yes, we’re running. How about Friday?”. It’s like a panic. All I hear in my head is I can’t stay here. Seriously, I cannot stay here. The wave has broken over me and I have to get away. There is no air left; I can’t breathe. Run fucking run.

I talk a little to my friends and now I feel even more stupid and like a burden. I talk a little to the crisis team and now I am even more convinced that they think I am an attention-seeking waste of space. Run FUCKING RUN. Even as I try to talk, I feel the tsunami of bad about to overwhelm me. I had to back off in my appointment yesterday as I could feel myself losing control entirely. Holy crap, that is a frightening feeling. Long way of saying: there is an plenty of help here but I can no more access it than zip up a size 8 dress.

I think I am premenstrual too. I get particularly batshit then. My period started after two days of being in hospital last time.

I just had this thought that I am not doing too well right now. Pause, empty brain. I want my Mum. She used to talk to me and I remember I would feel pissed off but things would feel clearer and safer. Like “yeah, this is crap but it’ll be okay”. Why did she have to die? Why did she have to leave me so alone? This is why I want the man from the hospital. I don’t feel alone at all when I am with him. I feel safe and home when he wraps his arms round me. Something is happy and complete. It’s been so long since I felt that. But the more I get to know him the more I find out that he has been dangerous to women in the past. So I have more shame that I have allowed myself to be played and what will everyone think. Run fucking run. More evidence that I am a fucking tube and deeply, thoroughly pathetic. Everyone knows. I can’t even do the basics of adulthood like keep myself safe. So useless.

I can’t do this anymore. This maelstrom. I broke a long time ago but even broken parts swirling in the madness have limits. I am running. Fucking running.

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