I am saying the most crazy things. My thoughts are relentless and flying. I keep not being able to tell what should stay in my head and what is okay to say. What have I done. I think I have irredeemably ruined everything. I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t believe I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I can’t even begin to approach trying to understand what I have done to other people. What will they think if/when they find out. I think I would be so hurt. What have I done. I don’t know how to be honest. I don’t understand the truth. I genuinely can’t believe I am doing these things. And why. For what. There isn’t even any benefit. Not to me and not to anyone else. It is just so destructive. I have this profound, overwhelming urge to beat myself down and punish myself and make everything right. I can make everything right again. I can stop polluting the air by breathing it out and I can stop contaminating the ground by walking on it. It won’t redeem me but it will make things better. I can’t do right like a proper person but I can make this tiny attempt at it and that’s better than nothing, surely. I have to stay away from people as I am just hurting them. That is such a simple and obvious solution. Try harder and do better controlling my thoughts. Not get lost in them and let myself be swept away and end up saying pure craziness. I don’t have muscle and bone and blood under my skin; I just have guilt. There is a guilt monster under my skin animating me. I have to feed it. Sometimes it wants me to do ‘right’ and ‘good’ and lets me feel a bit better. Sometimes it wants ‘bad’ as it thrashes about under my skin making sure I am punished. What have I done. I will regret this for the rest of my life. This will dog me for the rest of my life. Will add it to the list.