I am out of control

I am saying the most crazy things. My thoughts are relentless and flying. I keep not being able to tell what should stay in my head and what is okay to say. What have I done. I think I have irredeemably ruined everything. I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t believe I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life. I can’t even begin to approach trying to understand what I have done to other people. What will they think if/when they find out. I think I would be so hurt. What have I done. I don’t know how to be honest. I don’t understand the truth. I genuinely can’t believe I am doing these things. And why. For what. There isn’t even any benefit. Not to me and not to anyone else. It is just so destructive. I have this profound, overwhelming urge to beat myself down and punish myself and make everything right. I can make everything right again. I can stop polluting the air by breathing it out and I can stop contaminating the ground by walking on it. It won’t redeem me but it will make things better. I can’t do right like a proper person but I can make this tiny attempt at it and that’s better than nothing, surely. I have to stay away from people as I am just hurting them. That is such a simple and obvious solution. Try harder and do better controlling my thoughts. Not get lost in them and let myself be swept away and end up saying pure craziness. I don’t have muscle and bone and blood under my skin; I just have guilt. There is a guilt monster under my skin animating me. I have to feed it. Sometimes it wants me to do ‘right’ and ‘good’ and lets me feel a bit better. Sometimes it wants ‘bad’ as it thrashes about under my skin making sure I am punished. What have I done. I will regret this for the rest of my life. This will dog me for the rest of my life. Will add it to the list.

Rodin’s Eve after the Fall from Wikipedia

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