I remember as a child, maybe late primary school and early secondary school ages, having this desperate wanting to be hugged. Like something was physically missing from my body. It never even occurred to me to ask anyone in my life to hug me. My parents weren’t physically demonstrative and neither was anyone else so I just wasn’t touched for years until I started having romantic relationships.
I’ve had “low maternal warmth” written on my psychology notes now (see how they blame the mothers; not the fathers) and I’ve learnt how most (almost all?) people need a certain amount of physical touch and physical affection in their lives. The two times I’ve had long term romantic partners have been the times that I’ve had consistent touch and probably the main reason why I (mostly) remember those times fondly. I’ve not had a partner for a long time and that’s what I miss the most by far. But even just briefly imagining it there, I get strong thoughts that I don’t deserve it and that that will never happen again for me. Probably fair to say that I am too fucked up psychologically to be inflicted on another person. Anyway, the touch I am describing here is very different from sexual touch. I think it’s possible to meet all my needs for physical touch without any kind of sex.
I am a child of the MDMA (ecstasy) days, before ‘legal highs’/novel psychoactive substances, and one of the effects of that drug is that my friends and I got into the habit of hugging a lot. I remember that time fondly too. I still hug my friends to say goodbye and most of my family too. But these are quick hugs that don’t soothe my brain the way a long hug does. When my relatives’ children were small, I would hug them a lot. Partly because of my absolute fucking horror at the thought of them feeling like I did when I was a child and partly because it made me happy. I’ve had two long hugs in recent months. One from one of my oldest university friends and one from my sister and both because I was upset. They helped, and I am grateful for them, but they weren’t enough. I feel like I am this empty, insatiable pit of need when it comes to wanting to be touched.
So if you read the self-help articles and books then you are advised to try ‘therapeutic touch’ when you feel you don’t have enough touch in your life. I was given a voucher for a massage as a birthday present and I’ve had two and going to have a third today. They are very expensive. It feels intensely relaxing physically and my muscles feel liquid and released. But it’s for the psychological benefits that I am doing it. When my massage therapist moves round the couch to a different area she keeps a hand on my back or my shoulder. I am sure there is some what I’d disparagingly call hippy or spiritual (because it’s outside of my knowledge and experience) reason for this but what actually happens in my brain is that it suddenly starts thinking “I am normal” because she hasn’t taken her hands off me the second that she could. My brain starts thinking I might be okay and not entirely repulsive and repellent. Just a normal human body. A bit of detangling of my thoughts.
I grates with me that I have to pay someone to touch me and can’t find it naturally in my life. But, as previously mentioned, I am not in a position to have a romantic relationship and that seems to be the way that my society is organised to meet people’s needs for touch. I am lucky that I have this massage therapist that I feel safe with, and can occasionally afford to pay, and that I have my friends and family to hug. Maybe one day I will have more, and I would like that, but it’s okay just now.